so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
