Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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