He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
