I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
