i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
