well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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