Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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