Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize