matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
