textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize