i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
