I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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