i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
