Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
