The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
