you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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