Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize