I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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