Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Randomize
