my phone needs a breathalizer
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
