remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
not ubering you a puppy
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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