sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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