So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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