foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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