we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
