I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
