i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize