thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
