He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
These tits shall not be calmed
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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