Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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