my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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