it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
