remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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