Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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