Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
