The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
