I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
