he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
