Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
