Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
There's always time for handjobs
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize