When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
