Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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