you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
