yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
