Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
