New low: just hacked my moms facebook
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize