forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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