while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
