I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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