Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize