I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
