I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
