6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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