I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
