The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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