I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
