I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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