I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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